True joy is deeper than any sorrow, stronger than any disappointment. I trust this power within to help me overcome sorrow, anger or grief, to remind me that life is good. Each day I awaken to an awareness of God. I awaken to joy.
Right now, I would do anything to hug my close friends. They are scattered all around the world and it hurts that I can´t. This doesn´t take away from my joy and appreciation for being here in Bahia. It is just that I miss them. I want to see their smiles. I want to feel their bodies. I want to look at them in person.
This past week has been incredibly hard. We all have these moments. You know when you have to fight against everything that you feel is seeking to pull you down. Doubt never seems so big as it does in this moment. Questioning many things. My friend Mindy sent me a great post in the New York Times by Suleika Jaouad (@suleikajaouad) Life, Interrupted: Facing Cancer in Your 20s. It is a great piece and I suggest you check it out. I first read it and I felt like I was listening to someone tell me my feelings verbatim about life and experiences. Like, shit is complicated and fucked up. I don´t think folks realize how much work I do to remain optimistic. I think after you endure so much your only choice is to remain optimistic because you know anything can happen. You are that person. Things don´t only happen to other people - YOU ARE THAT OTHER PERSON! And the fact that I was assaulted the other night didn´t help. I was robbed at knife point. Thank God nothing physically happened. But the mere fact that I saw my life flash before my eyes made me think about what it means to be a survivor. The young lady and young man that took my R$20 and horrible Nokia really didn´t want much. I was with a friend and I didn´t say anything. I couldn´t. And especially had nothing to say in Portuguese. I know my eyes were as big as mountains. I couldn´t believe it was happening. Afterwards, I realized it happened to me. Perhaps this experience was a reminder that life is precious - and you can´t control when it is threatened. All you can do is be present. But for me what is most important is the aftermath. What happens when you are violated.
I grappled with sharing both of these instances because I never really know how to articulate these experiences. I don´t want to come off as though cancer is the only thing that happened to me or that Salvador is a horrible place. Because in the same breath, cancer has been my saving grace and introduced me to so many things. The very essence of the experience with cancer has taken my mind, body and soul through the fire. I know lonliness. I know it. I know what it means to watch my body fall apart. I know myself. Therefore, I respect others greatly and I honor them. Andvwords can´t describe how much I LOVE Salvador! I love this place beyond words. Both of these experiences do something that take me through something that perhaps I won´t understand until years from now, tomorrow or never. *shrugs* I don´t know. I just know right now, I feel heavy. Perhaps with my Cancerversary coming in 3 weeks it is igniting all of these feelings. I want to be around all of the people that I love. I will be celebrating 7 years of life. 7 YEARS OF LIFE! 7 years of L I V I N G ! And I want people to celebrate not only my life but the life and times of others. I have written this entry with fogged glasses and tears streaming from my eyes. I am not afraid. Not anymore. Not like before. But I feel. I love. My soul is on fire.
I will continue to live. I pray that my steps are always protected. Before I travelled my friend Tracey said something to me that changed my life and I know that her prayer has been a major protector for me. She and my friend Kia made dinner for me and really gave me the love and fuel that I needed for this journey - because it isn´t easy. And before I left her house in Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn she said, ´André I know you are on your journey and I respect you for this. I could never do this. And I know you love people and even more people love you. But what I pray for you is not only that your steps are ordered by God. Also, I pray for your blindspots. I pray that the things that you don´t know or even see coming don´t stand a chance with you. I pray that God shields you and nurtures you. And that forces that try to blindside are not only blocked but turned the other way.´ So incredibly powerful. I still have chills. I never ever ever ever swear or portray to know it all. Thus, when individuals offer their wisdom and invest in my life in ANY way I am honored. For this reason, I have simply wanted to share my feelings. What is fully going on besides the fact that I am ready for love. I write because I know that I am not the only person that grapples with this and we all grapple with many things. I hope that my sharings offer some type of solace. I mean afterall that is what I am also looking for.
I am sending everyone many blessings and love and also praying that your blindspots are protected and you are nurtured by God and the universe. I always tell myself that I will always be alright…because I believe it :)
I’m gravitating to anything that indicates the sense of happiness. Love activist.
I am strong in body and mind. The strength of God is present and active within my body and mind. God’s vision for me is wholeness and vitality. I align my thoughts, feelings and beliefs with these truths and remove any barriers I may have built in fear. I open to the flow of divine energy and life that strengthens, sustains and heals me in body and mind. Just as divine strength infuses my body, it also empowers me to use my mind constructively. In faith, I focus my thoughts on what I want to experience. If I find myself worrying, I gently set those worries aside and affirm I am strong in body and mind. I draw from the wellspring of divine strength within.
special day + pessoas especiais :)
Vhan e André